Time...

It occurred to me today that at this time last week I was so excited for Thursday to get here. I was ready to hear my baby's heartbeat and see the growth. I was anticipating good news. I can't believe that was a week ago. It seems like a lot longer...is that weird?

I also realized that when May rolls around, I will probably be struggling with the fact that my baby would have been born in that month. I keep thinking of this baby as a girl...I don't know if its because we were hoping for a girl a little bit or what, but whatever the reason is, I always picture a little girl when I think of what my child would have looked like.

Michael has still been so amazing and even though I still cry sporadically, he never makes me feel silly about it. My mom seems to think that because the baby is gone and the surgery is over, it's a non-issue now. My dad and stepmom said they were sorry and they haven't talked about it since but I know they are both very disappointed that things turned out this way. I know that there is a big difference between a miscarriage and losing a child that has had a chance to grow outside your body but I don't know the difference and I hope I never do. I just know that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and most people either look at me with such massive pity or they just try not to look at me at all. Either way, its just making me sick. I feel sick when I tell people and sick when I think about it and sick when I realized I haven't thought about it for an hour. I feel guilty for feeling like I am happy for a minute and guilty for being a sad Mommy to my boys this week.

I just still can't believe this is part of my story. I lost a child. I am a mommy to three children and I only have two. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? And of course there are the angry whys of it all. Did I do something so terrible at some point in my life and god is punishing me? Is there some lesson I'm supposed to learn from this!? Is it because I kept running after I found out I was pregnant? (I researched this and was told that its fine) but maybe my body just couldn't handle it. When I left the hospital after my surgery I was very groggy but I remember a nurse talking to me about it and asking me if I "fell or something"...and I just can't fathom how my body just couldn't protect and nourish my child. What in the hell happened???

I think the stress has made me physically sick this week and that's not making things any easier, not that I expected any of this to be easy, I guess. I don't expect this to get any easier to think about with time but I hope that eventually I'm able to deal with my feelings better...

Thank you again, a million times, to all the wonderful people that have supported me and listened to me rant and think out loud. Thank you for your thoughts and your prayers and your hope.. <3